“Watch (The Party)” A Poem

Watch (The Party)
Watch my mother entertain
Watch her friend add to the joke
Watch my brother misunderstand
Watch us all roar with laughter
Watch my grandmother anxiously try to clean up
Watch the little ones run around the yard
Watch my grandfather remind us he’s here with a loud belch
Watch my uncle baby talk to the cats
Watch my aunt tell us how it us up North
Watch my father impersonate someone as he grills
Watch me in the midst of it all, yet worlds apart
Watch the party

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“Love Me Enough” A Poem

Love Me Enough

You love me enough to answer my calls

But not enough to call me

 

You love me enough to talk to me

But not enough to conversate

 

You love me enough to listen to my problems

But not enough to make me feel better

 

You love me enough to say “happy birthday”

But not enough to remember

 

You love me enough to hold me in a warm embrace

But not enough to embrace God first

 

You love me enough to open doors for me

But not enough to let me be independant

 

You love me enough to carry in the groceries for me

But not enough to help me carry the weight of our relationship

 

You love me enough to pay for the tickets

But not enough to make the plans to see me

 

You love me enough to help me clean if I ask

But not enough to take the initiative

 

You love me enough to set and hold boundaries

But not enough to stay firm if I were to ask

 

You love me enough to watch shows with me

But not enough to spend actual quality time together instead

 

You love me enough to let me go

But not enough to fight for me

 

You love me enough to worry about causing me more pain

But not enough to check on me

 

You love me enough to tell me so

But not enough to show me

“Plain And Naked Before You” A Poem

Plain And Naked Before You

You trail your fingers down my spine

Slowly, carefully, gently

How many spines have these finger trailed

Before finally reaching me

I wonder

 

You single me out

Pull me away from the others

I whisper my name to you

As your eyes wander over me

I can tell

You are trying not to judge my outfit too harshly

You turn me around

Mutter a curse under your breath

I can only wonder why

You finger the edge of my outer layer

My protective coating not many others have

Another curse flies from your mouth

 

I jump away from you

And land flat on my back

You sigh and pick me up

You hold me close to your chest

And run

 

Away from the only place I’ve ever known

While not born there,

I had never before left my childhood home

Away from the familiar

Into the new world

The journey is a blur

The entire time

You hold me close to you

I can’t even get a good look around

 

Finally

It’s over

We arrive at what I assume to be

Your home

We sit down together

On your couch

You pull at my coat

My protective layer

I try to jump away

But you catch me

Then it’s gone

On the floor

Though thin

That layer protected me

I’m still in shock from that trauma

When you tear off my outfit

On the floor it lands next to my coat

 

Now I am bare before you

Plain and naked

Your gaze and fingers slide over me

You caress my rough, dark skin

I always hated it

I prefered wearing my colorful outfit

But you smile at me

You hold me firmly in your hands

You pry me apart

And read me like the open book I am

 

For what seems like hours

We sit like that

You gently caressing me

As I tell you my story

 

All too soon

Before my story is even one quarter done

You leave me

You set me aside

And leave

And I wait for you

To come back

 

For days that becomes our routine

In the mornings

Over a cup of coffee

I pour out my story

And you listen

Then you go to work

And I am left alone

With the cat

That likes to sit on me

 

A week passes

And my story is done

You nod

Wipe a tear away from your eye

And tell me you have new home for me

I am speechless

After I poured out my soul

The very essence of what makes me, me

You’re casting me out?

 

To my surprise

You don’t take me out the front door

But to another room

A room that looks like where I came from

You set me there

Amongst others who are also bare

And leave

 

Once a week

Like clockwork

You bring in another one

Someone stripped bare like me

Another one who told you their story

You welcome them to their new home

And leave

My heart breaks

The first few times

The pain of knowing

I am not special

Nearly rips me apart

 

From my perch on my shelf

Wedged between “To Kill A Mockingbird”

And “pretty girl-13”

I can see the entire Harry Potter series across the way

I can talk to “The Giver” through the hole above me

I learn to love my new home

In your library

As a book

I should have known this was my destiny

To be loved and read

Then put on a shelf

To wait for my next lover, my next reader

To pick me up

And hear my story

 

“And Move On”

And Move On

Staring out the window

Counting the cars in the parking lot

Eleven red cars

Five trucks

In a vain attempt

To ward off the pain

And move on

 

Observe the horizon

Where the blue of the sky

Meets the green of the ground

Ignore the hurt creeping up

Like the clouds crawling across the sky

And move on

 

Listen to the chatter, the laughter

All the sounds of humans being people

Don’t search for the voice

That is blatantly absent

And move on

 

The fresh scab has been turn off

The wound ripped open again

Dab up the blood

Don’t let it stain

The time to cry is over

Push away that love, this pain

And move on

“It’s Hardest” A Poem

It’s Hardest

It’s hardest in the morning

When I reach for my phone

Wanting to say “Good morning”

In our own creative way – emojis

Angel, sunrise, kiss

But I falter

When I remember

That can’t be done anymore

And I am left to wonder

Do you have the same urge?

When that could still be done

If I didn’t say it first

Did you have that urge?

I may never know

For I was always the one

To declare the day has begun

Even if yours had already had

Though I longed to know

Was I the first thought on your mind when you awoke

Just as you were on mine?

 

It’s hardest in the afternoon

When something happens

Something funny, something painful, something anything

And I start to make a mental note

“Oh, I gotta tell him about this later”

Only to see in bright red letters on another mental note

“No more mental notes! You don’t tell him everything anymore!”

And I sigh

Put my mental pen down

And wonder

Who will I tell about my day?

Who will listen to my random thoughts?

Who will give me advice when I have problems?

And I realize

As I wipe away a tear

I might as well just talk to myself

That’s really all I did when I read those mental notes anyway

 

It’s hardest in the evening

At the time

We usually spoke

Of everything

Yet nothing

It felt like begging

Most nights

Daily having to remind

To text me when you can talk

And I’ll call when I can

Then

When we finally had a chance to speak

The weight of the conversation was carried

By one person

On my shoulders was the responsibility

To keep the silence at bay

Our only time to talk

Was spent with one person giving half

Half attention on one sentence responses, half attention on gaming

And one person giving all

All attention on carrying the conversation, all attention on you

We talked about this

I did say I was okay with you playing games

But not with your friends

So for a day or two

That was respected

Then I found myself sitting in silence

As you did missions with your friends

I didn’t want to tell you to not play with them at all

Because I’m not controlling

And I wanted you to make that choice

I wanted you to realize that the only time we had to talk

Should be respected

And filled with conversation

Sometimes I did play on my phone, I won’t lie

But it wasn’t every minute of every conversation

When I scrolled through Pinterest,

It was to find things to talk about

Because I wanted our only time to talk

To be spent talking

 

It’s hardest at night

When I go to say “Good night”

In our way of emojis

Angel, night sky, kiss

When I remember

No, I can’t do that anymore

So I lay down

I lay my head down to rest

And pray for both of us

The strength to move on

When we used to pray together

We pray for health

You would pray that God would bless our relationship

I would pray for guidance

We pray for our families

You would pray for happiness

I would pray that God’s will be done

Some moments on the same page

Over moments in different books

Not just in the Bible

But in school books too

And I wonder

After praying

What will it take to motivate you

To become on fire for Christ

And for your education?

What will be the punch in the gut

That really pushes you

To put God first

To work extra hard for school?

 

It’s hardest when

I remember things we used to do

And things we never got to do

And I look back and see

All the flaws in our relationship

Lack of effort sums it up

I always texted first

I always made the plans

I always kept the conversation alive

Love requires work from both partners

If I didn’t text first, we didn’t talk that day

If I didn’t make the plans, we didn’t see each other that weekend

If I didn’t come up with things to talk about, we sat in silence

Even in person

I wanted to spend time with you

Meaningful time

Walks, games, talks

You would go along

But then ask for Netflix or sleep

Don’t get me wrong

I like watching our shows

And taking naps together

But when we only see each other

Once every one to two weeks

I wanted to spend our time together better

 

It’s hardest when

I think of what I want

In a best friend

In a husband

In a lifelong companion

And everything on that list –

Some of the same interests and passions as me

Not all the same, but some,

A burning love for God

A love that burns brighter for Him than me,

Motivation to do good in life

And work at having a meaningful relationship –

I don’t see in you

 

It’s hardest when

I want to tell you all these things

And see if we can work it out

ButI realize

The entire problem

The lack of effort, motivation, action

All that should have been there from the beginning

You don’t tell someone you really love them

And then don’t show them in truly meaningful ways

You don’t refuse to let someone carry in groceries

And then allow them to carry the entire weight of the relationship

You don’t speed up your pace to open doors for someone

And then don’t lunge to help them at the slightest sign of stumbling

 

It’s hardest when

I remember this is God’s plan

And I ask Him why

Why have us together

Only to have us apart?

Because we needed each other

For a time

To help each other out of dark places

And give each other opportunities to grow stronger

But forever was never in God’s plan for us

Because there is someone better out there for each of us

Someone who will help me maintain the relationship

Someone you will be willing to work and fight for

Someone who will have all the things I want and more

Someone you will find even more perfect than me

Someone who God always intended for me

Someone you will realize God always intended for you