“It’s Hardest” A Poem

It’s Hardest

It’s hardest in the morning

When I reach for my phone

Wanting to say “Good morning”

In our own creative way – emojis

Angel, sunrise, kiss

But I falter

When I remember

That can’t be done anymore

And I am left to wonder

Do you have the same urge?

When that could still be done

If I didn’t say it first

Did you have that urge?

I may never know

For I was always the one

To declare the day has begun

Even if yours had already had

Though I longed to know

Was I the first thought on your mind when you awoke

Just as you were on mine?

 

It’s hardest in the afternoon

When something happens

Something funny, something painful, something anything

And I start to make a mental note

“Oh, I gotta tell him about this later”

Only to see in bright red letters on another mental note

“No more mental notes! You don’t tell him everything anymore!”

And I sigh

Put my mental pen down

And wonder

Who will I tell about my day?

Who will listen to my random thoughts?

Who will give me advice when I have problems?

And I realize

As I wipe away a tear

I might as well just talk to myself

That’s really all I did when I read those mental notes anyway

 

It’s hardest in the evening

At the time

We usually spoke

Of everything

Yet nothing

It felt like begging

Most nights

Daily having to remind

To text me when you can talk

And I’ll call when I can

Then

When we finally had a chance to speak

The weight of the conversation was carried

By one person

On my shoulders was the responsibility

To keep the silence at bay

Our only time to talk

Was spent with one person giving half

Half attention on one sentence responses, half attention on gaming

And one person giving all

All attention on carrying the conversation, all attention on you

We talked about this

I did say I was okay with you playing games

But not with your friends

So for a day or two

That was respected

Then I found myself sitting in silence

As you did missions with your friends

I didn’t want to tell you to not play with them at all

Because I’m not controlling

And I wanted you to make that choice

I wanted you to realize that the only time we had to talk

Should be respected

And filled with conversation

Sometimes I did play on my phone, I won’t lie

But it wasn’t every minute of every conversation

When I scrolled through Pinterest,

It was to find things to talk about

Because I wanted our only time to talk

To be spent talking

 

It’s hardest at night

When I go to say “Good night”

In our way of emojis

Angel, night sky, kiss

When I remember

No, I can’t do that anymore

So I lay down

I lay my head down to rest

And pray for both of us

The strength to move on

When we used to pray together

We pray for health

You would pray that God would bless our relationship

I would pray for guidance

We pray for our families

You would pray for happiness

I would pray that God’s will be done

Some moments on the same page

Over moments in different books

Not just in the Bible

But in school books too

And I wonder

After praying

What will it take to motivate you

To become on fire for Christ

And for your education?

What will be the punch in the gut

That really pushes you

To put God first

To work extra hard for school?

 

It’s hardest when

I remember things we used to do

And things we never got to do

And I look back and see

All the flaws in our relationship

Lack of effort sums it up

I always texted first

I always made the plans

I always kept the conversation alive

Love requires work from both partners

If I didn’t text first, we didn’t talk that day

If I didn’t make the plans, we didn’t see each other that weekend

If I didn’t come up with things to talk about, we sat in silence

Even in person

I wanted to spend time with you

Meaningful time

Walks, games, talks

You would go along

But then ask for Netflix or sleep

Don’t get me wrong

I like watching our shows

And taking naps together

But when we only see each other

Once every one to two weeks

I wanted to spend our time together better

 

It’s hardest when

I think of what I want

In a best friend

In a husband

In a lifelong companion

And everything on that list –

Some of the same interests and passions as me

Not all the same, but some,

A burning love for God

A love that burns brighter for Him than me,

Motivation to do good in life

And work at having a meaningful relationship –

I don’t see in you

 

It’s hardest when

I want to tell you all these things

And see if we can work it out

ButI realize

The entire problem

The lack of effort, motivation, action

All that should have been there from the beginning

You don’t tell someone you really love them

And then don’t show them in truly meaningful ways

You don’t refuse to let someone carry in groceries

And then allow them to carry the entire weight of the relationship

You don’t speed up your pace to open doors for someone

And then don’t lunge to help them at the slightest sign of stumbling

 

It’s hardest when

I remember this is God’s plan

And I ask Him why

Why have us together

Only to have us apart?

Because we needed each other

For a time

To help each other out of dark places

And give each other opportunities to grow stronger

But forever was never in God’s plan for us

Because there is someone better out there for each of us

Someone who will help me maintain the relationship

Someone you will be willing to work and fight for

Someone who will have all the things I want and more

Someone you will find even more perfect than me

Someone who God always intended for me

Someone you will realize God always intended for you

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